5. Reflect upon "The Stress Doc's 6 'F' Loss and Gain Change Model." Grappling with change and choice often means:

• by definition, letting go of the Familiar, and the security that familiarity can provide (of, course sometimes it can be a great relief to "let go" or escape the routine),
• confronting an unpredictable Future, which can be scary and depressing, yet also exciting and hopeful,
• dealing with loss of Face or self-esteem, especially if you are not ready for the choice, feel it's imposed upon you or it may result in lower status or achievement or rejection. Significant change often places you outside your comfort zone - may shake up your sense of identity; definitely a "danger-opportunity for growth" scenario, and
• destabilizing your present Focus; you need to sort the forest from the trees, habitual reactions or responses, no longer cut it; mastering loss and change requires new performance, process and path.
• get Feedback from people who have known you prior to the loss and change process; these folks can help provide an identity anchor in a crisis or transitional tempest. Also, make sure the feedback is from people who can be objective, who will identify your strengths and your vulnerabilites.
• 6) and for some there will be a sixth "F": Faith. Whether through a belief in a transcendent being or by experiencing the higher power of a support group - with its network of interactions - healing energy and hope appear on the horizon. Keeping the faith provides support for those "dark night of the soul" episodes.

6. Express Healthy Anger. By healthy anger, I mean the freedom to express oneself purposefully or passionately, without having to be perfectly reasonable, but still be responsible. A person may not even be clear as to what he or she is angry about. Here are some constructive, being accountable for your communication "I"-message examples (as opposed to blaming "you" message): "I don't like (or need) this," "I just feel what's happening isn't right or useful," "I don't like you" (at this moment; as opposed to "You idiot" or "You always screw up"). Sometimes, just a loud and clear "I'm angry right now" works quite well. (Trust me, with body language, firm voice, direct eye contact and real emotion these statements aren't wimpy.) As Richard Bach noted in his book on Creative Aggression, vital anger, whatever the specific content, sends the message: This is who I am. This is what I believe is happening to me in relation to you. I have these thoughts and feeling that I need to express. And, having vented our anger, we can listen (hopefully, sooner rather than much later) to the other party's thoughts and feelings.

7. Declare Your Emancipation Procrastination. The critical step in overcoming endless delay, dalliance and denial is letting your self feel the anxiety, anger or shame that underlies avoidance or escapist behavior. Acknowledge your secret procrastination with a friend, colleague or counselor. Appoint an empathic "designated nagger" to keep you on track with TLC: "Tender Loving Criticism" and "Tough Loving Care." Also, learn to break up a big project into manageable parts and then get started even if it's just for five minutes. As the ancient roman poet Horace noted: "To begin is to be half done. Dare to know - start!" And finally, set limits on both self-defeating and overwhelming goals and workload expectations. Establish interpersonal boundaries and beware of your grandiose savior/rescue fantasies. Remember, "Burnout is less a sign of failure and more that we gave ourselves away!"

 

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